I’m Steve Wolf, the Director of the Wolf Training Institute and developer of the TAMING YOUR ANGER/EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE  program.

I’m proud to announce the birth of “WOLFSPHERE”

A “sphere” is a segment of society, as in “a sphere of influence”.

“WOLFSPHERE”   is a segment within our society dedicated to nurturing those relationships we value the most by reducing violence and increasing emotional intelligence, one person at a time, beginning with ourselves, and passing it on.

“WOLFSPHERE”  defines violence as “words or actions which cause emotional or physical harm”.

We recognize that most of the harm caused by our unconscious, automatic anger reactivity is imposed upon those we love the most.

We recognize that we cannot teach what we have not learned so we of WOLFSPHERE practice what we preach by addressing our own anger based behaviors  before we attempt to pass it on.

Most people, when they first hear the words TAMING YOUR ANGER, think of Anger Management.  I’ve taught anger management to two-strikers for years.   I frequently attempt to explain that “Anger Management “ is a court mandated sentence for someone who’s  anger expression was so extreme that  a judge or a boss mandated them to “take some anger management classes” or go to jail or lose a  job.

Unlike IQ (intelligence quotient) which remains constant throughout life, EQ (emotional intelligence)can be developed.  TAMING YOUR ANGER  is about developing Emotional Intelligence by learning methods for increasing emotional awareness,  self-control and behavioral change.

Are you part of WolfSPHERE?  Do you desire to nurture those relationships you value the most by learning to reduce the emotional harm (violence) you cause by increasing your emotional intelligence (EQ) and learning methods to change undesired behaviors?

Welcome aboard.

I will be blogging as the “WolfSPHERE Insider” each week, informing you of some of the work we are doing and challenging you to stay on track with regard to increasing your EQ and dealing with your anger based behavior.

We’ll be setting up a chat room for you to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences.

I’m looking forward to opening this next door into our future.

Once Again, welcome to WolfSPHERE.

You can go to the website, www.WolfTrainingInstitute.com to find out more about our books and workshops and, when you’re ready,  Pass it on.

Many Blessings,

Steve Wolf

My 86 year old father expects me to quit my business, pull my child out of school, leave my husband and live with him in another state to take care of him. He will not live with us since my brother lives with and cares for him but this is apparently not enough. On top of this he does not respect me as a mother, or as a grown up woman. The worst is that he has no respect for my marriage or my wonderful husband who is also a great stepfather. My father prays to God every night that I get back with my ex-husband for my child’s sake. My “X” and I now have a better relationship by not being married and our child benefits by having two happy parents who love him and like each other.

My father is an angry, bitter old man who has alienated most of his family and friends. He should have had therapy years ago. How do I deal with this? I suppose out of duty I love him but I do not like him. Do I have to keep trying or should I let him go? What about my guilt?

Signed,
Ambivalence

Dear Ambi,
Having elderly parents can be a mixed blessing. On the one hand you are not yet orphaned; not yet next in your family’s line to face death’s frontier. In the best of circumstances you have a wise elder who knows and loves you. Under the worst of circumstances you become the caretaker for one who does neither. The essence of your dilemma is synthesized in your final questions: “Do I have to keep trying or should I let him go? What about my guilt?”

The short answer is “No”. You don’t “have” to do anything. You don’t have to try or to let him go. Since your dad has not pursued self exploration in his previous 86 years, it is likely that his personality is now crystallized, and he is unlikely to change barring an epiphany as he faces his mortality. “Trying” is therefore not likely to bear much fruit. On the other hand, your DNA may not be ready to sever your daughter-father bond. Since he is unlikely to be content with whatever you decide to offer, you should not base your decision on his desire but do so based on your own sense of right action. In difficult situations such as this I often rely on “the principle of no regret” which guides me to act in a way such that in the future I will have comfort knowing I did what I felt was best during this difficult time.

“What about my guilt?” you ask. I attempt to make a differentiation between “Essential Guilt” and “Neurotic Guilt”. I understand Essential Guilt as a non-punitive objective message from one’s Higher Self which informs that an action taken or not taken in present time is unacceptable, based on one’s own values or morality. The appropriate response to Essential Guilt is, “Ouch. I don’t want to make that choice again because it doesn’t feel right to me”.

“Neurotic Guilt”, on the other hand, is a mechanical repetitive punitive attitude. It is a blast from the past “pinned” onto the present (See last month) that has little to do with present-day values or morals. It does not represent the voice of the Self and is best understood as a negative construct of personality to be witnessed and felt but not “believed to be true”.

Finally, since relationships and feelings can be messy, a saying from the martial arts might add wisdom and guidance for this situation with your father: “When under attack, don’t dodge the arrows, but hold up your shield.” Don’t attempt to defend against each of his verbal barbs. Simply remember that you are living your life according to values and principles he is unlikely to ever understand or appreciate.

Many Blessings on your Journey,
Steve Wolf

While most of us have gotten over most of the physical harm that’s been done to us, we all still carry emotional effects from how we were spoken to in the past. Most harm caused by anger is emotional. We all know how it feels to be on the receiving end of hurtful verbal aggression, but we often don’t realize the emotional harm we cause in our most valued relationships when we are the ones dishing it out. Mothers and fathers talking to their kids or to each other, lovers, siblings, friends, business and work associates. These are the relationships which suffer the most emotional harm from the often unconscious Violence of verbal attacks.

Many retreat when the word “Violence” is attributed to their verbal behavior. In my “Taming Your Anger” workbook I define Violence as “words or actions that cause emotional or physical harm”. Mostly, it’s not what you say but in how you say it. Regretfully, in many homes, at work and even in elementary school rooms, verbal abuse has become tolerated, even socially acceptable, with little or no stigma, to the point that it is not uncommon for parents to yell at kids in public, for bosses and supervisors to act as if they have license to be verbally abusive toward subordinates or for teachers to direct frustrated, harsh angry voices toward their students. The stereotype of the father/mother yelling at their teenager about homework, curfews, driving habits, sex codes, drug use, etc. is all too prevalent in our homes, even here in our beloved Topanga. In addition, verbal abuse isn’t even effective. It is a form of punishment that doesn’t produce positive results. In the long run it often only teaches others to lie and to avoid us rather than to change or think about the consequences of their actions.

It is said, “The sins of the parents will be visited upon the children for seven generations.(sic)”. In other words, if we don’t change how we deal with anger, we will treat others, especially those we love the most, as our parents treated us when we were children. How’s that for a wake up call?

“Taming Your Anger” teaches that Anger is a feeling or emotion, and that Anger itself does not cause problems. Aggression, an action which can even be positive in business, sports, law, etc. also does not necessarily cause problems. Violence causes problems. Violence is words or actions that cause emotional or physical harm.

According to Kassinove & Tafrate’s Cognitive-Behavioral “Anger Management, The Complete Treatment Guidebook for Practitioners”, changing anger-based aggression requires a change in attitude, lowering of arousal levels, increasing awareness, and planned escape. “Taming Your Anger” provides a simple, yet complete, program to teach yourself Mindfulness, Breath Control, identification of Early Warning Signals, Discharge & Release, and Escape to accomplish those Cognitive-Behavioral goals to successfully change your behavior during moments of anger.

“Taming Your Anger” was created for Therapists, Corporations, High Schools, Unions, Fire Departments, Police Forces, and prisons for distribution to their constituents. You can purchase “Taming Your Anger” for $4.95, or 30 for $100.00 at The Man Store in Topanga’s Pine Tree Circle, or at www.TamingYourAnger.com . Risk avoidance is better than risk management. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. Give a copy to someone you love.

Many Blessings on the Journey.
Steve Wolf, Ph.D.

Breaking addictive patterns is so difficult because, not only must the brain gets over its initial withdrawal from the over production of various neurotransmitters, but we must also retrain the brain to contain its desire to repeat the euphoric experience.

It’s hard enough to tame an addiction with a clear intention to do so. It’s impossible without it. So, first clarify your reasons and your intention to change – to yourself. Next, write down your goals and include your plan for action if you don’t succeed. For example, “I’ll deal with my unconscious resistances by getting hypnosis, going to a 12-step meeting, or I’ll find a therapist”, etc. Then, sign it, and, if you’re really serious, e-mail your intentions to family or friends. Next, identify some alternative behaviors to deal with the inevitable addictive cravings and impulses. Pick a date and go for it. If you are successful then your addiction’s protective shield against hidden emotion will be removed so you should expect to feel more anxious, depressed, lonely, etc. Therefore, Plan B should include ways to integrate the hidden emotional memories the addiction had originally been designed to suppress. I agree with Jungian analyst Marion Woodman who views addiction as a substitute for blocked creativity. Therefore creative expression can be of great help as well as friends, journaling, the 12-step community, therapy, etc. Finally, prepare to celebrate. It feels great to gain control over those out of control behaviors.

Many Blessings on the Journey.
Steve Wolf, Ph.D.

We all have memories of the Past and the constant experience of the Present, but how are we to know the Future? Some say Future co-exists in the present as a parallel universe. Some say it is predetermined or we have Free Will Regardless, I agree with the notion that Future exists in the Present as the Impulse to Create. The Impulse to Create is exciting because, by definition, Creation is a constant beginning. Future continually unfolds into the “Present” as the creative process itself. The outcome, which remains hidden, is gradually revealed as we are guided by Creativity flow. While children are naturally creative when allowed unstructured time for free play, adults may find it scary since it requires surrender to senses and ways of knowing frequently ignored. Just as feelings can be viewed as Voices of the Soul, the Impulse to Create can be viewed as a Voice of Future.

Like kindling to a fire, the Impulse to Create enlivens and vitalizes an aspect of being which then becomes more accessible at other times, even when not actively engaged in “creative expression”. When we participate with the Impulse to Create we feel rewarded, simply for having made the time. After continually denying ourselves the Creative time of day, we feel “stuck”. Stuck in a job, an addiction, a relationship or stuck in being single. In other words, Stuck in the Present. Then we feel dissatisfied, bored, resentful, moody, irritable, obsessed, anxious or depressed. The antidote in this case may not solely be found in exploring the past or psychiatric medication, both of which may be helpful. An antidote may exist to be discovered in the Impulse to Create. Movement therapy, Art therapy, Music therapy, and Sand-play therapy each facilitate healing via creative exploration. I regularly encourage people to write, color, draw, “move” or play with clay as part of their work in psychotherapy. So, when you next feel stuck, bored, un-chosen, resentful, anxious, depressed, or obsessed with desire for a familiar addiction, try sitting with pen, crayons or clay in hand to invite your creative voice.

The Impulse to Create is not simply about “being creative”. Like after connecting with a child, after engaging in creative work one feels good about time well spent, even when challenging or frustrating. Also, “Future” has been offered a time and place to come out, to play, to be revealed and possibly to influence life choices you are contemplating. Try creating cards for someones you love this Valentine’s day. You will enjoy the process and be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

I’d love to hear you from you.

Many Blessings,
Steve Wolf, Ph.D.